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When I began teaching…ok…first of all, I need to stop right there because I’ve just committed the “old person” sin. Yes, I started out by making a statement about my past. “When I was a kid, we’d walk fourteen miles uphill to go to school.” “When I first started college, the internet didn’t even exist!” “I remember when we first got a microwave.” I’m sure you all have committed that sin at least once if you have a job that keeps you around kids for any given time period.
In the midst of those statements, we actually think that we’re educating the younger generation about how tough things used to be. What we are really doing is showing them that we’re two weeks away from pulling our pants up to our armpits and ingesting a daily prune cocktail.
Yes, the kids are smarter than we think. Especially when it comes to technology. They type faster with their thumbs than I do with all my fingers…which is really hard to do on those tiny little phone keypads, by the way.
I have a feeling that one day, our grandchildren’s grandchildren will have become so well-versed and dependant on technology, that pencils will no longer exist (except in museums), paper will only be used to wipe, and face-to-face communication will be considered crude and insane. It’s sad, yes.
We have to remember that although technology has given us many gifts, it has also given us a reason to be lazy with our own evolution. I, for one, will continue to text with complete sentences, write letters to my friends with a pen and paper, and wipe my own butt with soft toilet paper. Although with that last thing, I’m sure there’s an app for that.

After spending the week with my two kids, I’ve realized something…I’m not cut out to be an elementary teacher.  Those people must be crazy!  Imagine what kind of patience and dedication it would take to handle 30 six-year-olds in a classroom while actually trying to educate them.  I only had to deal with a five-year-old and a seven-year-old and I’m exhausted.  It’s like having two 40 pound squirrels that talk incessantly.  I have to give props to my sons’ teachers.  The fact that they haven’t lost their minds is amazing.  Or maybe…that’s the key!  Maybe all elementary teachers have lost their minds.  That’s why they can sit there while a kid is screaming and kicking and crying with a smile on their face and calmly talk to the child.  Maybe that’s why they can feel good even though only one or two kids actually listened to what they said that day.  Yeah, that has to be it.  Well, in that case, I’d like to welcome all elementary teachers to the club.  The Insane Teachers Club.  We meet every weekday.  See you there.

This week, we are on Spring Break. I remember when I was in college, this was a time for celebration, parties, and lowered inhibitions. Now, as an old man (at least on the inside), I counted the seconds until this vacation started so I could finally get some rest. I was looking forward to the first day that I could turn off my alarm and sleep in until at least 6 a.m. Oh, how blissful it would be!
So the day came. I awoke in my bed, well rested and eager to enjoy my day. I looked at the clock and it read 5:16 a.m. I actually got to sleep in for a full half hour! No wonder I was so rested.
I have two small children of 5 years and 7 years. I’m amazed that it takes a nuclear blast set off directly above their beds to wake them on school days, yet they get up before the Winchell’s doughnut guy on weekends and holidays. I’m sure it’s just God’s way of punishing me for my own childhood antics.
So the weekend is over and now begins the official start of the vacation week. I’m sure after a day or two (or maybe just after a few hours) of spending time with my two kids I’ll be ready to go back to work where I only have to deal with 150 hormone-ladened fourteen-year-olds. I see a lot of crying, whimpering, tattling, and screaming coming up this week. Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep it down.

So I decided to wait until our state tests were done before starting this blog. It wasn’t because I was too busy. It was because it gave me way too much material to write about.
I decided to concentrate only on the fun things you can do as a teacher while students are testing. Of course, while being a good supervisor of the test.
The teachers at my school are called “Proctors” of the test. I love that word. As a middle school teacher, I chuckle every time I hear it. I developed a new term this year, “Proctorologist.” I decreed that everyone refer to me as such during the test. I was speaking with my kids before one of the tests and one asked why we had to stay completely quiet once we finished the test. I replied that we didn’t want to disturb anyone around us with whispering, tapping, or farting. They laughed at that, especially after I asked if they could imagine trying to take a test while their eyes watered from the stench. I then said, “If you do fart, make sure it’s peppermint flavored…research shows that peppermint stimulates the brain.” That’s when my class created the new word: Flatumint. Coming soon to a gum near you.

Check back here every Monday morning for a new addition to this blog about the insanity of teaching and the craziness of education in general.